Saturday, October 17, 2009

criminal activity

I'm a theif. I've stolen city property and used it for my own personal gain.
I recently paid a visit to my local library, a place I often visit and am well known.They trust me there.They think think I'm a decent person.

I checked out a few books, nothing too heavy in either the literal or figurative sense, and the latest issue of Real Simple magazine.

And that's where I went off course, turning my life and the lives of my loved ones into a mockery of everything that is good in this world.

After scanning my choices and printing my due date receipt the librarian bid me good day, never guessing that I would be the kind of library patron who would go home, open the slick pages of Real Simple magazine and tear out the $1.00 off the regular purchase price of any Up&Up brand product of $3.00 or more coupon and use it to buy disinfectant wipes comparable to Clorox brand wipes, not to be used at the library but in her own home.

Do I use the wipes? Everyday. I use them to keep my family's home germ-free amd lemony scented. I hope the people I love never know the depths I have stooped to to keep them healthy, with a refreshing citrus scent.
It was the city's magazine. It was the city's coupon. And I used it for myself. No amount of disinfectant wipes will ever clean up my dirty, dirty secret. I will live with this shame for at least three more days. Then I'm guessing I will be out of wipes.

I AM a multi-town library card carrier...lookout Waukeeeee...

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It's the last day of September.

Nothing really huge happened today, but it just seems like an important day. Like, "Oh! Holy Crap! It's the 30th!"
Top Chef is a rerun tonight. What a freakin' gyp! But it's all good because I am drinking hot apple cider with Schnapps in it. And who wouldn't love that?
I kind of want to punch Jennifer on Top Chef right in the mouth.

Totally unrelated to Top Chef, Schnapps, and the date:

I used to have this neighbor when I was little named Natalie and now that I'm a grown up I just realized that that chick was a bitch! God she was mean now that I think about it. If I were a bigger person I would hope that she finally turned into a happy person and had a good life. But since I'm me, I hope she has a lot of feminine itching in her life. Those women on the Vagisil commercials just look miserable.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Cake Boss

I want to bake glorious cakes and cupcakes and yell at people in my big commercial kitchen and have giant pastry bags laying all over the place.
I'd be good at it!
I am the best person I know when it comes to yelling at people.

Monday, June 1, 2009

it's a cunt, dear

Please don't ever let me hear you say "va-jay-jay". That could could be the dumbest thing I have ever heard anyone say. Seriously. There are PLENTY of words that already existed pre-va-jay-jay that are both witty and appropriate to use in your everyday speaking when referring to a vagina, and by the way I have never had a random conversation about vaginas in the presence of anybody that I couldn't just say "vagina" if I felt the need to. But apparently vaginas are being discussed everywhere now and nobody can say "vagina" so here are some suggestions that won't make you sound like a twat:

Twat-believe it or not you can actually say twat on TV. I learned this watching TopChef last season. I'd like to hear Oprah say "twat."

Crotch-there's an old stand-by that can be used for anything in that general area, a multi-purpose label. (Or it has also been pronounced "kwotch" at my house.)

Vaj-short, sweet, right to the point

Box-a little on the trashy side I'll admit, but if you're discussing vaginas in a place where it's not appropriate to say "vagina" you're running the risk of being trashy anyway. Aside from a physician or a tampax employee who the hell talks about vaginas?!

And of course if you've ever seen the movie "Boys On The Side" you can use either the word sissy or hoo-hoo. I personally think hoo-hoo is great. The title of this post was snatched from that very movie. Yes, I said snatched and "snatch" goes in the same category as "box".
With all these options there is no reason for you to ever say va-jay-jay again. Trust me, we're making the world a better place by stamping out the word VA-JAY-JAY.

this is ridiculous.

I'm blogging from my phone. Who the hell does that?! I'm not even doing anything awesome! I was just laying here wondering, "huh, I wonder if I can blog from my phone." You know, in case I have a blogging emergency and I can't wait until I get home to share information with my hoards of followers. What the hell?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Guess who's not afraid of big fake owls. Birds.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


So, these two birds are trying to make a house in my garage. That’s not going to work because that is where my cat’s house is. Whenever the overhead door is open they fly in with nesting materials and head over to the corner and start tucking away. Then the door closes and they freak out and start flying in circles and crashing into the windows. The cat thinks it’s awesome. I heard crashing and banging in there one morning so I peeked in the window to see what the hell was going on before I ventured in. The cat was jumping from the cab of one pick-up to the other trying to catch these crazy birds. His claws were screeching along the paint, the birds were chirping like mad, there were feathers everywhere. So I open the door, the birds fly out and the cat pounces on me from the top of the truck, purring like a (giant, deranged) kitten. He was all kinds of fired up from the chase. So the next morning I go out to feed the pets and guess who’s back in there. Birds. Only now, when I open the people door they try to dive bomb me! I almost lost an eye! They flew around me in a whirlwind of birdy adrenaline, chirping and sailing through the air, it was very nerve wracking. My mind was racing. Am I going to get pecked to death? Will I die with bird poop in my hair? HOW IS THIS ALL GOING TO END!? Well, they flew off and I bought a fake owl to scare them away in the future and hung it up in the corner of the garage. The end.