Sunday, December 21, 2008

Let me explain...

O.K. if your feelings are hurt by what I post I might be sorry, depending on who you are. If you are a person who knows me then you should know by now that I generally say what everybody else is thinking but doesn't want to say. And you know I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just very forward. Also, I'm pretty damn sure you'll get over it.

If you are a person who doesn't know me then first of all, that's very unfortunate for you and second, I'm not really sure if I care how you feel. So, the sorriness is on a case-by-case basis and I will only dole it out if I feel it is necessary. Please make your request in writing and I will respond if I really give a crap.

This statement was written to cover my ass in case somebody says, "Hey, (sniff) you're kind of mean."

Look what I found!

I used to have a blog through Friendster and then one day I couldn't get on any more. I don't know what happened. That was like, a year ago. So just for fun I tried to log in and they let me back in! But since Friendster sucks, I copied my old blog and I'm putting my old posts on THIS blog. Ha! Screw you Friendster! I got my posts back!

My Cat Threw Up On My Taxes
March 23rd, 2006
So, my husband owns his own business, which means tax time is a total bitch. The accountant sends a packet full of work sheets and lists of things we have to keep track of. It totally sucks. I actually have to figure out how many gallons of fuel we used last year were unleaded, super unleaded or diesel. That’s a lot of math. It’s not all bad though. I give myself little prizes once in a while. Like last week when I had to figure out mileage on all the business vehicles I made sure I had a nice stash of fresh Easter candy. Man, that stuff is good when they first crank it out. You can suck the middle out of a fresh Cadbury egg with a straw. That’s good eatin’. So this week I thought my cat should join me in my trials. He’s fun and relaxing and I hadn’t seen him for a few days, so in he came. He was kind of wound up so I didn’t get a lot done. He attacked my hands when I used the calculator, he layed down on my bank statements and wouldn’t get up and then he ate two pencil erasers. You know, the pointy ones you stick on the end when you’ve rubbed the original one down to the metal? Yeah, two of them. Evidently erasers don’t sit well on top of kitty supper because he urped them up right on a pile of receipts. So he’s back outside and we won’t be writing off quite as much as I had originally planned. The lesson here? Cat’s don’t understand the importance of not eating erasers.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Local Celebrities

I'm a big fan of Sheeder Farms turkeys and I get one every year for Thanksgiving. It's really quite an event, and not everybody who wants one gets one. See, you have to call in August to get on the list and then in mid-October they call you and tell you when and where the turkey drop-off will take place. So every year I head out to get my hormone-free, free-range, happy turkey the week of Thanksgiving, freezing my ass off but very excited none the less about my super-bird that will no doubt be the best damn specimen of holiday feasting one could ever imagine.

I know this description of a mere fowl seems a bit much but I'm REALLY into my turkey.

So I'm standing in line this year, thirty minutes early because I just can't wait, talking to the other crazy turkey folk and we're all forming a nice respectable line and waiting patiently for the turkey guy to wheel up and start doling out his treasures. And then he arrives, and the magic begins! They turkey crew starts setting up tables and bringing out turkeys and pies and other fantastic items to make our holiday tables complete and we all stand and watch in wonder as they put out their wares and prepare to make a killing off of fools like me who will spend $40 for one bird. And right when they open the cash box our nice respectable group of excited but perfectly sane people turns in to a turkey grabbing mob. It was freaking nuts! It was like the Oklahoma land rush, only without the flags and the shotgun start. People were shoving and pushing and acting like complete idiots. Gone were the pleasantries and recipe exchanges. Those of us who arrived early in anturkeypation were cast to the side, nearly trampled by jackasses who showed up at the last minute and were "really in a hurry" and "really didn't plan on waiting around" according to their cell phone conversations.

And guess who lead the pack of jackasses over the civilized line-makers. Just guess. I bet you can't. Christie Vilsack and Heidi Soliday. Oh yeah, former first lady Christie must have had a ton of stuff to do that day. Maybe she had to go get fitted for one of those damn hats she always wore when her husband was governor of Iowa. I think she fancies herself as another Jackie O. I bet Jackie wouldn't have cut in the turkey line. And how 'bout Heidi? She said her last name about a hundred times like anybody really gives a rat's ass about a not-that-good sports reporter from Des Moines. "Soliday. SOL-ID-AY. Yes, I think it's under HEIDI SOLIDAY." Shut up Heidi we ALL know you're here. How could we not notice you elbow your way through a crowd of people?

Jerks. They totally wrecked turkey pick up day.

Next year I will be picking my turkey up at the farm.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Tonight I had to use the restroom in the Perry Hy-Vee. It didn't go well.

I had to go to Hy-Vee to get feta cheese and sweetened condensed milk tonight. It's kind of a long drive home and I had three lime daiquiris before we got there so I decided to hit the ladies room before we left.

I've become a little spoiled with all the foam soap that has become the rage in public restrooms. So I was more than a little put out when I pulled on the dispenser and all I got was plain old pink liquid soap. Come on Hy-Vee! Where's my luxurious lather?

I am always amused when I reach for a paper towel out of one of those pull-down paper towel dispensers and I see the sticker that reads "In case of emergency, dispense towels using wheel." What exactly constitutes a paper towel emergency? (I consider it a paper towel emergency when I realize that the restroom door has to be pulled open from the inside and I actually have to touch it with my hand instead of just pushing it open with my shoulder, but I don't think the paper towel people really had that in mind when they put that public service announcement sticker on there...just a hunch.) And then there is a red arrow pointing around to the side where there is another sticker that reads "Emergency Feed." Whew! They weren't kidding! There is the emergency wheel! And it's red so you can't miss it! Man I feel prepared for anything that could possibly go wrong in here now.

Except I wasn't.

While I was laughing at the stupid paper towel people and looking at the damn emergency wheel, the front of the paper towel dispenser popped open and konked me on the head. And then the paper towels rolled out and fell on the floor.
The floor of the public restroom.
I have forfeited many an item that has touched the floor of a public restroom. Gloves, sunglasses, lipstick, etc. Once it hits the floor of a public restroom it might as well be in the center of a pool of lava cuz I'm sure as hell not touching it. Now you might be thinking that it's really no big deal right? Just dry my hands on my pants right? Sure that's all fine and dandy but, HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT???!!!!! It was very intense in there for about five minutes but then lucky for me I turned around and actually looked at the door and saw that it was a push-from-the-inside kind of bathroom. Wow. That was a close one.

The lesson here? Only have two daiquiris if you plan on going to Hy-Vee in Perry.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ace of Cakes

O.k it's not really cake decorating. It's playing with play-doh. Have you ever tried that fondant stuff? It's awful. It's like some one rolled out some ass and draped it over a cake. Cake decorating is a bucket of frosting, a box of tips and your hand stuck in a claw for days afterward. That's REAL cake decorating.

And that Duff guy is an idiot. He reminds me of a guy I used to date, who also happened to be an idiot.

But Geof is kind of cool.


So I have fields on all sides of my house, corn, beans, what have you. And I always have, as long as I have lived here. But do you think I can remember that every year at harvest the tractors are out all night long and can see right in my windows? Nope. Every year, me in my underwear in the livingroom, tractor across the road shining it's lights in the picture window. Dallas County Peep Show. Every year. Every freakin' year.

I wonder if it's the same guy. Now I'm kind of grossed out. And a little flattered.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

really dumb headlines I saw this week

"Man Survives Death" I'm pretty sure that's impossible. Death is pretty final from what I've seen.

"McCain and Obama Clash at Debate" Wow. Didn't see that coming.

Monday, September 22, 2008


It is never ok to substitute a big white stinky onion for a shallot. Ever.

I think I might be down a cat.

I heard some awful noises coming from the field behind my house this evening and I am pretty sure that my cat got snatched by a pack of coyotes. It didn't sound good. I really want to ge t a flashlight and head out to find him, but I'm kind of a chicken. First of all, if I find him and he's on his last leg (which is a very funny thing to say about a cat with three legs) I know we'll have to put him to sleep and I just don't think I can deal with that right now.

Also, this time of year I get totally freaked out when I go outside at night because the crops are starting to dry so they're all whispery and it freaks my shit out, man. I keep having scenes from really stupid, not even remotely realistic movies pop into my head like Children of the Corn and Jeepers Creepers and anything that may have had an evil scarecrow in it. O.K. so I know that we are surrounded by soybeans and it is highly unlikely that any kind of creepy thing would be lurking out there unnoticed, waiting for my flashlight batteries to run out and my sundress to get caught on a post, making me a perfect victim for the afore mentioned scarecrow. But still. You go out there tough guy, let's see how big a boy you are. Also, I'm afraid of badgers, which are a very REAL danger in the middle of a field. They live out there for a reason. They don't want company.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Failure to Launch

It is worth watching Failure to Launch and seeing Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey playing the same characters they play in every other movie they make just to see Zooey Deschanel's awesomeness.

I have the sniffles.

I'm having cold/allergy issues so I plan on spending the day in elastic-waisted pants in front of the TV. As I sit here watching bad TV and stuffing tissues up my right nostril I am wondering two things: 1. What do you say when an atheist sneezes? "Bless you" just pops out of my mouth when I hear someone sneeze. That's clearly not the right response. That's like telling a Jewish person to have a happy Easter. and 2. At what point in an actor's career is it a good idea to do a Lifetime Original Movie? I mean really, Lifetime? Now, I'm not bashing Lifetime, I swear. Somebody has to employ Judith Light and Melissa Gilbert right?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Whenever I hear a song by Jason Mraz I want to poke myself in the eardrum with a bamboo skewer. You see, the advantage of using bamboo over, say, a metal skewer is this: There is a chance that the bamboo will splinter in the ear canal or drum, leading to infection and possibly hearing loss, ensuring that I would NEVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT CRAP AGAIN.