Saturday, September 27, 2008

really dumb headlines I saw this week

"Man Survives Death" I'm pretty sure that's impossible. Death is pretty final from what I've seen.

"McCain and Obama Clash at Debate" Wow. Didn't see that coming.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Shallots.

It is never ok to substitute a big white stinky onion for a shallot. Ever.

I think I might be down a cat.

I heard some awful noises coming from the field behind my house this evening and I am pretty sure that my cat got snatched by a pack of coyotes. It didn't sound good. I really want to ge t a flashlight and head out to find him, but I'm kind of a chicken. First of all, if I find him and he's on his last leg (which is a very funny thing to say about a cat with three legs) I know we'll have to put him to sleep and I just don't think I can deal with that right now.

Also, this time of year I get totally freaked out when I go outside at night because the crops are starting to dry so they're all whispery and it freaks my shit out, man. I keep having scenes from really stupid, not even remotely realistic movies pop into my head like Children of the Corn and Jeepers Creepers and anything that may have had an evil scarecrow in it. O.K. so I know that we are surrounded by soybeans and it is highly unlikely that any kind of creepy thing would be lurking out there unnoticed, waiting for my flashlight batteries to run out and my sundress to get caught on a post, making me a perfect victim for the afore mentioned scarecrow. But still. You go out there tough guy, let's see how big a boy you are. Also, I'm afraid of badgers, which are a very REAL danger in the middle of a field. They live out there for a reason. They don't want company.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Failure to Launch

It is worth watching Failure to Launch and seeing Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey playing the same characters they play in every other movie they make just to see Zooey Deschanel's awesomeness.

I have the sniffles.

I'm having cold/allergy issues so I plan on spending the day in elastic-waisted pants in front of the TV. As I sit here watching bad TV and stuffing tissues up my right nostril I am wondering two things: 1. What do you say when an atheist sneezes? "Bless you" just pops out of my mouth when I hear someone sneeze. That's clearly not the right response. That's like telling a Jewish person to have a happy Easter. and 2. At what point in an actor's career is it a good idea to do a Lifetime Original Movie? I mean really, Lifetime? Now, I'm not bashing Lifetime, I swear. Somebody has to employ Judith Light and Melissa Gilbert right?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Mraz

Whenever I hear a song by Jason Mraz I want to poke myself in the eardrum with a bamboo skewer. You see, the advantage of using bamboo over, say, a metal skewer is this: There is a chance that the bamboo will splinter in the ear canal or drum, leading to infection and possibly hearing loss, ensuring that I would NEVER HAVE TO HEAR THAT CRAP AGAIN.