Friday, October 24, 2008

Tonight I had to use the restroom in the Perry Hy-Vee. It didn't go well.

I had to go to Hy-Vee to get feta cheese and sweetened condensed milk tonight. It's kind of a long drive home and I had three lime daiquiris before we got there so I decided to hit the ladies room before we left.

I've become a little spoiled with all the foam soap that has become the rage in public restrooms. So I was more than a little put out when I pulled on the dispenser and all I got was plain old pink liquid soap. Come on Hy-Vee! Where's my luxurious lather?

I am always amused when I reach for a paper towel out of one of those pull-down paper towel dispensers and I see the sticker that reads "In case of emergency, dispense towels using wheel." What exactly constitutes a paper towel emergency? (I consider it a paper towel emergency when I realize that the restroom door has to be pulled open from the inside and I actually have to touch it with my hand instead of just pushing it open with my shoulder, but I don't think the paper towel people really had that in mind when they put that public service announcement sticker on there...just a hunch.) And then there is a red arrow pointing around to the side where there is another sticker that reads "Emergency Feed." Whew! They weren't kidding! There is the emergency wheel! And it's red so you can't miss it! Man I feel prepared for anything that could possibly go wrong in here now.

Except I wasn't.

While I was laughing at the stupid paper towel people and looking at the damn emergency wheel, the front of the paper towel dispenser popped open and konked me on the head. And then the paper towels rolled out and fell on the floor.
The floor of the public restroom.
I have forfeited many an item that has touched the floor of a public restroom. Gloves, sunglasses, lipstick, etc. Once it hits the floor of a public restroom it might as well be in the center of a pool of lava cuz I'm sure as hell not touching it. Now you might be thinking that it's really no big deal right? Just dry my hands on my pants right? Sure that's all fine and dandy but, HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT???!!!!! It was very intense in there for about five minutes but then lucky for me I turned around and actually looked at the door and saw that it was a push-from-the-inside kind of bathroom. Wow. That was a close one.

The lesson here? Only have two daiquiris if you plan on going to Hy-Vee in Perry.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ace of Cakes

O.k it's not really cake decorating. It's playing with play-doh. Have you ever tried that fondant stuff? It's awful. It's like some one rolled out some ass and draped it over a cake. Cake decorating is a bucket of frosting, a box of tips and your hand stuck in a claw for days afterward. That's REAL cake decorating.

And that Duff guy is an idiot. He reminds me of a guy I used to date, who also happened to be an idiot.

But Geof is kind of cool.


So I have fields on all sides of my house, corn, beans, what have you. And I always have, as long as I have lived here. But do you think I can remember that every year at harvest the tractors are out all night long and can see right in my windows? Nope. Every year, me in my underwear in the livingroom, tractor across the road shining it's lights in the picture window. Dallas County Peep Show. Every year. Every freakin' year.

I wonder if it's the same guy. Now I'm kind of grossed out. And a little flattered.