Sunday, December 21, 2008

Let me explain...

O.K. if your feelings are hurt by what I post I might be sorry, depending on who you are. If you are a person who knows me then you should know by now that I generally say what everybody else is thinking but doesn't want to say. And you know I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just very forward. Also, I'm pretty damn sure you'll get over it.

If you are a person who doesn't know me then first of all, that's very unfortunate for you and second, I'm not really sure if I care how you feel. So, the sorriness is on a case-by-case basis and I will only dole it out if I feel it is necessary. Please make your request in writing and I will respond if I really give a crap.

This statement was written to cover my ass in case somebody says, "Hey, (sniff) you're kind of mean."

Look what I found!

I used to have a blog through Friendster and then one day I couldn't get on any more. I don't know what happened. That was like, a year ago. So just for fun I tried to log in and they let me back in! But since Friendster sucks, I copied my old blog and I'm putting my old posts on THIS blog. Ha! Screw you Friendster! I got my posts back!

My Cat Threw Up On My Taxes
March 23rd, 2006
So, my husband owns his own business, which means tax time is a total bitch. The accountant sends a packet full of work sheets and lists of things we have to keep track of. It totally sucks. I actually have to figure out how many gallons of fuel we used last year were unleaded, super unleaded or diesel. That’s a lot of math. It’s not all bad though. I give myself little prizes once in a while. Like last week when I had to figure out mileage on all the business vehicles I made sure I had a nice stash of fresh Easter candy. Man, that stuff is good when they first crank it out. You can suck the middle out of a fresh Cadbury egg with a straw. That’s good eatin’. So this week I thought my cat should join me in my trials. He’s fun and relaxing and I hadn’t seen him for a few days, so in he came. He was kind of wound up so I didn’t get a lot done. He attacked my hands when I used the calculator, he layed down on my bank statements and wouldn’t get up and then he ate two pencil erasers. You know, the pointy ones you stick on the end when you’ve rubbed the original one down to the metal? Yeah, two of them. Evidently erasers don’t sit well on top of kitty supper because he urped them up right on a pile of receipts. So he’s back outside and we won’t be writing off quite as much as I had originally planned. The lesson here? Cat’s don’t understand the importance of not eating erasers.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Local Celebrities

I'm a big fan of Sheeder Farms turkeys and I get one every year for Thanksgiving. It's really quite an event, and not everybody who wants one gets one. See, you have to call in August to get on the list and then in mid-October they call you and tell you when and where the turkey drop-off will take place. So every year I head out to get my hormone-free, free-range, happy turkey the week of Thanksgiving, freezing my ass off but very excited none the less about my super-bird that will no doubt be the best damn specimen of holiday feasting one could ever imagine.

I know this description of a mere fowl seems a bit much but I'm REALLY into my turkey.

So I'm standing in line this year, thirty minutes early because I just can't wait, talking to the other crazy turkey folk and we're all forming a nice respectable line and waiting patiently for the turkey guy to wheel up and start doling out his treasures. And then he arrives, and the magic begins! They turkey crew starts setting up tables and bringing out turkeys and pies and other fantastic items to make our holiday tables complete and we all stand and watch in wonder as they put out their wares and prepare to make a killing off of fools like me who will spend $40 for one bird. And right when they open the cash box our nice respectable group of excited but perfectly sane people turns in to a turkey grabbing mob. It was freaking nuts! It was like the Oklahoma land rush, only without the flags and the shotgun start. People were shoving and pushing and acting like complete idiots. Gone were the pleasantries and recipe exchanges. Those of us who arrived early in anturkeypation were cast to the side, nearly trampled by jackasses who showed up at the last minute and were "really in a hurry" and "really didn't plan on waiting around" according to their cell phone conversations.

And guess who lead the pack of jackasses over the civilized line-makers. Just guess. I bet you can't. Christie Vilsack and Heidi Soliday. Oh yeah, former first lady Christie must have had a ton of stuff to do that day. Maybe she had to go get fitted for one of those damn hats she always wore when her husband was governor of Iowa. I think she fancies herself as another Jackie O. I bet Jackie wouldn't have cut in the turkey line. And how 'bout Heidi? She said her last name about a hundred times like anybody really gives a rat's ass about a not-that-good sports reporter from Des Moines. "Soliday. SOL-ID-AY. Yes, I think it's under HEIDI SOLIDAY." Shut up Heidi we ALL know you're here. How could we not notice you elbow your way through a crowd of people?

Jerks. They totally wrecked turkey pick up day.

Next year I will be picking my turkey up at the farm.