Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Local Celebrities

I'm a big fan of Sheeder Farms turkeys and I get one every year for Thanksgiving. It's really quite an event, and not everybody who wants one gets one. See, you have to call in August to get on the list and then in mid-October they call you and tell you when and where the turkey drop-off will take place. So every year I head out to get my hormone-free, free-range, happy turkey the week of Thanksgiving, freezing my ass off but very excited none the less about my super-bird that will no doubt be the best damn specimen of holiday feasting one could ever imagine.

I know this description of a mere fowl seems a bit much but I'm REALLY into my turkey.

So I'm standing in line this year, thirty minutes early because I just can't wait, talking to the other crazy turkey folk and we're all forming a nice respectable line and waiting patiently for the turkey guy to wheel up and start doling out his treasures. And then he arrives, and the magic begins! They turkey crew starts setting up tables and bringing out turkeys and pies and other fantastic items to make our holiday tables complete and we all stand and watch in wonder as they put out their wares and prepare to make a killing off of fools like me who will spend $40 for one bird. And right when they open the cash box our nice respectable group of excited but perfectly sane people turns in to a turkey grabbing mob. It was freaking nuts! It was like the Oklahoma land rush, only without the flags and the shotgun start. People were shoving and pushing and acting like complete idiots. Gone were the pleasantries and recipe exchanges. Those of us who arrived early in anturkeypation were cast to the side, nearly trampled by jackasses who showed up at the last minute and were "really in a hurry" and "really didn't plan on waiting around" according to their cell phone conversations.

And guess who lead the pack of jackasses over the civilized line-makers. Just guess. I bet you can't. Christie Vilsack and Heidi Soliday. Oh yeah, former first lady Christie must have had a ton of stuff to do that day. Maybe she had to go get fitted for one of those damn hats she always wore when her husband was governor of Iowa. I think she fancies herself as another Jackie O. I bet Jackie wouldn't have cut in the turkey line. And how 'bout Heidi? She said her last name about a hundred times like anybody really gives a rat's ass about a not-that-good sports reporter from Des Moines. "Soliday. SOL-ID-AY. Yes, I think it's under HEIDI SOLIDAY." Shut up Heidi we ALL know you're here. How could we not notice you elbow your way through a crowd of people?

Jerks. They totally wrecked turkey pick up day.

Next year I will be picking my turkey up at the farm.

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