Saturday, October 17, 2009

criminal activity

I'm a theif. I've stolen city property and used it for my own personal gain.
I recently paid a visit to my local library, a place I often visit and am well known.They trust me there.They think think I'm a decent person.

I checked out a few books, nothing too heavy in either the literal or figurative sense, and the latest issue of Real Simple magazine.

And that's where I went off course, turning my life and the lives of my loved ones into a mockery of everything that is good in this world.

After scanning my choices and printing my due date receipt the librarian bid me good day, never guessing that I would be the kind of library patron who would go home, open the slick pages of Real Simple magazine and tear out the $1.00 off the regular purchase price of any Up&Up brand product of $3.00 or more coupon and use it to buy disinfectant wipes comparable to Clorox brand wipes, not to be used at the library but in her own home.

Do I use the wipes? Everyday. I use them to keep my family's home germ-free amd lemony scented. I hope the people I love never know the depths I have stooped to to keep them healthy, with a refreshing citrus scent.
It was the city's magazine. It was the city's coupon. And I used it for myself. No amount of disinfectant wipes will ever clean up my dirty, dirty secret. I will live with this shame for at least three more days. Then I'm guessing I will be out of wipes.

I AM a multi-town library card carrier...lookout Waukeeeee...

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It's the last day of September.

Nothing really huge happened today, but it just seems like an important day. Like, "Oh! Holy Crap! It's the 30th!"
Top Chef is a rerun tonight. What a freakin' gyp! But it's all good because I am drinking hot apple cider with Schnapps in it. And who wouldn't love that?
I kind of want to punch Jennifer on Top Chef right in the mouth.

Totally unrelated to Top Chef, Schnapps, and the date:

I used to have this neighbor when I was little named Natalie and now that I'm a grown up I just realized that that chick was a bitch! God she was mean now that I think about it. If I were a bigger person I would hope that she finally turned into a happy person and had a good life. But since I'm me, I hope she has a lot of feminine itching in her life. Those women on the Vagisil commercials just look miserable.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Cake Boss

I want to bake glorious cakes and cupcakes and yell at people in my big commercial kitchen and have giant pastry bags laying all over the place.
I'd be good at it!
I am the best person I know when it comes to yelling at people.

Monday, June 1, 2009

it's a cunt, dear

Please don't ever let me hear you say "va-jay-jay". That could could be the dumbest thing I have ever heard anyone say. Seriously. There are PLENTY of words that already existed pre-va-jay-jay that are both witty and appropriate to use in your everyday speaking when referring to a vagina, and by the way I have never had a random conversation about vaginas in the presence of anybody that I couldn't just say "vagina" if I felt the need to. But apparently vaginas are being discussed everywhere now and nobody can say "vagina" so here are some suggestions that won't make you sound like a twat:

Twat-believe it or not you can actually say twat on TV. I learned this watching TopChef last season. I'd like to hear Oprah say "twat."

Crotch-there's an old stand-by that can be used for anything in that general area, a multi-purpose label. (Or it has also been pronounced "kwotch" at my house.)

Vaj-short, sweet, right to the point

Box-a little on the trashy side I'll admit, but if you're discussing vaginas in a place where it's not appropriate to say "vagina" you're running the risk of being trashy anyway. Aside from a physician or a tampax employee who the hell talks about vaginas?!

And of course if you've ever seen the movie "Boys On The Side" you can use either the word sissy or hoo-hoo. I personally think hoo-hoo is great. The title of this post was snatched from that very movie. Yes, I said snatched and "snatch" goes in the same category as "box".
With all these options there is no reason for you to ever say va-jay-jay again. Trust me, we're making the world a better place by stamping out the word VA-JAY-JAY.

this is ridiculous.

I'm blogging from my phone. Who the hell does that?! I'm not even doing anything awesome! I was just laying here wondering, "huh, I wonder if I can blog from my phone." You know, in case I have a blogging emergency and I can't wait until I get home to share information with my hoards of followers. What the hell?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Guess who's not afraid of big fake owls. Birds.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


So, these two birds are trying to make a house in my garage. That’s not going to work because that is where my cat’s house is. Whenever the overhead door is open they fly in with nesting materials and head over to the corner and start tucking away. Then the door closes and they freak out and start flying in circles and crashing into the windows. The cat thinks it’s awesome. I heard crashing and banging in there one morning so I peeked in the window to see what the hell was going on before I ventured in. The cat was jumping from the cab of one pick-up to the other trying to catch these crazy birds. His claws were screeching along the paint, the birds were chirping like mad, there were feathers everywhere. So I open the door, the birds fly out and the cat pounces on me from the top of the truck, purring like a (giant, deranged) kitten. He was all kinds of fired up from the chase. So the next morning I go out to feed the pets and guess who’s back in there. Birds. Only now, when I open the people door they try to dive bomb me! I almost lost an eye! They flew around me in a whirlwind of birdy adrenaline, chirping and sailing through the air, it was very nerve wracking. My mind was racing. Am I going to get pecked to death? Will I die with bird poop in my hair? HOW IS THIS ALL GOING TO END!? Well, they flew off and I bought a fake owl to scare them away in the future and hung it up in the corner of the garage. The end.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Control Your Destiny

Yesterday I made a delivery to Goodwill, which always means a trip through the Drive-Thru at Long John Silver’s. It was about three o’clock in the afternoon so I had quite a wait for my order because they had already thrown away the lunch left overs and had to make everything fresh. Good move on my part, ay?
So while I was sitting there at the window, I was reading all of the employee information and the motivational posters hanging up inside and I saw a poster that read "Control Your Destiny!". It had some guy dressed up as the LJS mascot (tiny pirate, giant head, peg-leg) and it was going on and on about what a great future one could have, were he properly motivated, in serving-up hushpuppies and clam strips. I don’t think the kid working the window yesterday has fully grasped what he can accomplish in life with a better attitude about fried chicken and fish parts. Maybe if the pirate would have had a parrot on his shoulder the poster would be more effective.
Or maybe, the kid had only read the "Acoso Sexual Es Ilegal" and was disappointed that ass-grabbing on the job is not permitted.
Also, two of my hushpuppies got fried together and looked kind of testicular. I ate ‘em anyway.

Monday, March 23, 2009


Being the germ-phobe that I am, this hiney has never actually touched a toilet seat in a public restroom. I have, however, gotten very skilled at the hover. Ladies are ya with me on the hover? So, this was a fine way to carry out my business, but now everybody has those damn auto-flush toilets and they are totally screwing up the hover. Evidently, they flush when there isn’t anything in front of the sensor. Depending on the size of the stall and what I’m wearing there is a lot more leaning forward required to keep any part of my person or attire from touching any part of the stall or floor, which causes a premature flush. Now everybody knows that there is a fine spray that is erupted from a flushing toilet. Am I going to take the chance of getting sprayed by public toilet water? Hell no! So then I have to stop and waddle forward to avoid the mist. Then I have to back up and finish the job. Man that’s a pain. I was totally o.k. with flushing with my foot.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


Man I hate going to church. I mean, it's not the actual church part I hate. It's the getting dressed, running out the door, shaking hands (GERMS!), leaving , getting home changing clothes again and realizing that the entire morning is gone for one hour of churching. I know that sounds terrible, but it's such a freakin' hassle! You know who's lucky? Those Catholics. They can run in on Saturday afternoon in their jeans and they're in and out. Done! For the whole week! Lucky Catholics. And if they don't go all they have to do is say "Sorry Father, didn't go church last week, hail Mary" and they're off the hook. See, we Methodists are a lot more judgemental than that.

You know, because we're soooo much better then everybody else.

I wish I could get church credits. Like, I could go for six hours and then be done for a couple of weeks. That would be awesome! I would totally be on board for that, maybe I should talk to the minister...

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bad Idea

In an effort to save time I decided to spray some CLR bathroom cleaner in my shower and, instead of scrubbing it off according to the directions, I would leave it on there an extra long time and just rinse it down when I got in the shower.

Bad idea.

CLR is a mighty cleanser I found out. Years of soap scum and hard water residue were dissolved away in a matter of minutes, my shower walls were sparkling and looked as close to new as they are ever going to. I really thought I was on to something until I stepped in the shower to turn it on and slipped in the puddle of soapy, shampooy gook that had run off the walls. Hoping to stay upright I grabbed the shower door, (which by the way was not meant to bear the weight of an adult sailing through and now hangs at an odd angle, never to close correctly again) the door swung open and I think I may have sustained permanent rotator-cuff damage. After I finally got my footing and found a not-so-slippery spot to stand in, I turned on the water and started rinsing the walls. Then it dawned on me that CLR is a mighty cleanser. Mighty powerful. Mighty toxic. Mighty burning the shit out of my bare feet as it swirled around the drain! "Holy crap," I thought, "this stuff is going to melt me!" My first thought was to sit down on the shower bench and let the water run on my feet to get that crap off of them but luckily it came to mind that since the walls and floor of the shower were dripping with skin-peeling poison there was a good chance the shower bench was too.

That would have been an entirely different post. One most likely typed standing up.

So I was kind of trapped at this point, the slippery puddle of death was between me and the shower door so I couldn't get out that way and I couldn't sit down and get my feet out of the swirling acid pool or else I'd get chemical burns, you know, "down there". Then my inner MacGyver took over and I saved myself from going down like the wicked witch of the west. We have a ridiculous amount of shower accessories at our house which includes two giant pouf things, a squeegee and loofa mitten. I stuck the loofa mitten on one foot, put the pouf things on my other foot using their little hanger loops and then used the squeegee to squeege the puddle of death down the drain, thus saving myself from what was certain to be a shower time tragedy. That was a close one.