Saturday, January 24, 2009

Hellbound

Man I hate going to church. I mean, it's not the actual church part I hate. It's the getting dressed, running out the door, shaking hands (GERMS!), leaving , getting home changing clothes again and realizing that the entire morning is gone for one hour of churching. I know that sounds terrible, but it's such a freakin' hassle! You know who's lucky? Those Catholics. They can run in on Saturday afternoon in their jeans and they're in and out. Done! For the whole week! Lucky Catholics. And if they don't go all they have to do is say "Sorry Father, didn't go church last week, hail Mary" and they're off the hook. See, we Methodists are a lot more judgemental than that.

You know, because we're soooo much better then everybody else.

I wish I could get church credits. Like, I could go for six hours and then be done for a couple of weeks. That would be awesome! I would totally be on board for that, maybe I should talk to the minister...

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bad Idea

In an effort to save time I decided to spray some CLR bathroom cleaner in my shower and, instead of scrubbing it off according to the directions, I would leave it on there an extra long time and just rinse it down when I got in the shower.

Bad idea.

CLR is a mighty cleanser I found out. Years of soap scum and hard water residue were dissolved away in a matter of minutes, my shower walls were sparkling and looked as close to new as they are ever going to. I really thought I was on to something until I stepped in the shower to turn it on and slipped in the puddle of soapy, shampooy gook that had run off the walls. Hoping to stay upright I grabbed the shower door, (which by the way was not meant to bear the weight of an adult sailing through and now hangs at an odd angle, never to close correctly again) the door swung open and I think I may have sustained permanent rotator-cuff damage. After I finally got my footing and found a not-so-slippery spot to stand in, I turned on the water and started rinsing the walls. Then it dawned on me that CLR is a mighty cleanser. Mighty powerful. Mighty toxic. Mighty burning the shit out of my bare feet as it swirled around the drain! "Holy crap," I thought, "this stuff is going to melt me!" My first thought was to sit down on the shower bench and let the water run on my feet to get that crap off of them but luckily it came to mind that since the walls and floor of the shower were dripping with skin-peeling poison there was a good chance the shower bench was too.

That would have been an entirely different post. One most likely typed standing up.

So I was kind of trapped at this point, the slippery puddle of death was between me and the shower door so I couldn't get out that way and I couldn't sit down and get my feet out of the swirling acid pool or else I'd get chemical burns, you know, "down there". Then my inner MacGyver took over and I saved myself from going down like the wicked witch of the west. We have a ridiculous amount of shower accessories at our house which includes two giant pouf things, a squeegee and loofa mitten. I stuck the loofa mitten on one foot, put the pouf things on my other foot using their little hanger loops and then used the squeegee to squeege the puddle of death down the drain, thus saving myself from what was certain to be a shower time tragedy. That was a close one.