Monday, June 22, 2009

Cake Boss

I want to bake glorious cakes and cupcakes and yell at people in my big commercial kitchen and have giant pastry bags laying all over the place.
I'd be good at it!
I am the best person I know when it comes to yelling at people.

Monday, June 1, 2009

it's a cunt, dear

Please don't ever let me hear you say "va-jay-jay". That could could be the dumbest thing I have ever heard anyone say. Seriously. There are PLENTY of words that already existed pre-va-jay-jay that are both witty and appropriate to use in your everyday speaking when referring to a vagina, and by the way I have never had a random conversation about vaginas in the presence of anybody that I couldn't just say "vagina" if I felt the need to. But apparently vaginas are being discussed everywhere now and nobody can say "vagina" so here are some suggestions that won't make you sound like a twat:

Twat-believe it or not you can actually say twat on TV. I learned this watching TopChef last season. I'd like to hear Oprah say "twat."

Crotch-there's an old stand-by that can be used for anything in that general area, a multi-purpose label. (Or it has also been pronounced "kwotch" at my house.)

Vaj-short, sweet, right to the point

Box-a little on the trashy side I'll admit, but if you're discussing vaginas in a place where it's not appropriate to say "vagina" you're running the risk of being trashy anyway. Aside from a physician or a tampax employee who the hell talks about vaginas?!

And of course if you've ever seen the movie "Boys On The Side" you can use either the word sissy or hoo-hoo. I personally think hoo-hoo is great. The title of this post was snatched from that very movie. Yes, I said snatched and "snatch" goes in the same category as "box".
With all these options there is no reason for you to ever say va-jay-jay again. Trust me, we're making the world a better place by stamping out the word VA-JAY-JAY.

this is ridiculous.

I'm blogging from my phone. Who the hell does that?! I'm not even doing anything awesome! I was just laying here wondering, "huh, I wonder if I can blog from my phone." You know, in case I have a blogging emergency and I can't wait until I get home to share information with my hoards of followers. What the hell?